hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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