God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
