If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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