: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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