Just mADE A PArabola og urine
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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