Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
