hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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