It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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