someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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