So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
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Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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