Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
