Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
