This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My liver just broke up with me...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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