I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We have started to decorate penises.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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