That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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