goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
