I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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