There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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