Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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