walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
