wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
