Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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