I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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