Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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