I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
