i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
