He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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