you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize