laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
