My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
