Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
