What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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