I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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