you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
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WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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