and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
