If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
