Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
