The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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