I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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