My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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