trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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