I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
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Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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