My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
