omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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