So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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