New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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