So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
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Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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