When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.