Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
