meet me or not, i'm out of control
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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