When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
