just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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