he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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