Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
