I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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